I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
