She is in my trunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
