I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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