he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
