my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The best revenge is premature balding
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
