Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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