you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How external is "for external use only"?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
