if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
