Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
