Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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