We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
