Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
