My first STD was from a foam party
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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