I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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