I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think my fart just growled at me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
