hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
