i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
