Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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