Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
