just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
