I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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