The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
