didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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