So drunk its hurt
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
