Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
