Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
