So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
