"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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