I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
