I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
