We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize