the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
