Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
