I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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