Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
