Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
