I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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