I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
