and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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