You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
