how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize