god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
