if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
