When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
