The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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