So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
