toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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