Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
