you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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