i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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