the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
