my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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