hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
