i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
