Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
