She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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