I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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