so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
