I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
