I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
