note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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