Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
