That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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