We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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