I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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