I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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