So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
