An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
pray to the hookup gods
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
